<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Ultimate Prank by JessiRomantic</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497988">The Ultimate Prank</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessiRomantic/pseuds/JessiRomantic'>JessiRomantic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Awkward Kissing, BAMF Nymphadora Tonks, Bisexual Nymphadora Tonks, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual Sirius Black, Clumsy Tonks, Discord: Dumbledore's Armada, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Kissing, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, POV Sirius Black, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Protective Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Being an Idiot, Remus Lupin is Bad at Feelings, Sirius Black Being an Idiot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:02:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessiRomantic/pseuds/JessiRomantic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin is the biggest idiot that Sirius Black has ever met. He is going to prove just how much of an idiot his best mate is with the ultimate marauders' prank.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Nymphadora Tonks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Dumbledore's Armada: Wheel of Death Flash Fiction Comp</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Ultimate Prank</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the Wheel of Death Flash Fiction Comp hosted by Frumpologist in Dumbledore's Armada Discord Server. </p><p>My chosen character was Sirius Black</p><p><b><span class="u">Wheel of Death prompts:</span><br/>Character:</b> Nymphadora Tonks<br/><b>Trope:</b> Fake Dating<br/><b>Theme:</b> Judgement<br/><b>Quote:</b> <i> Well behaved women seldom make history - <b>Laurel Thatcher Ulrich</b></i></p><p>I’d like to thank my alpha/beta for their time, though they will remain anonymous until reveals</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus Lupin was an idiot. </p><p>There was no other way that Sirius Black could describe his best friend.</p><p>“But Padfoot, she’s thirteen years younger than me,” the sandy haired man groaned. They were sat in the small reception room of his cottage nestled in the Welsh valleys and making their way, rather rapidly, through a bottle of Lyall Lupin’s best Firewhisky.</p><p>“Remus, mate, stop making excuses,” he said. “You’re making yourself ill by resisting the mate bond and you know it.”</p><p>Remus had explained to Sirius not long after their escape from the Dementors that he had found out that Nymphadora Tonks was his mate back in 1978. Sirius’s only accepting relative at the time, Andromeda, had brought her five-year-old daughter to their flat. He could not help but wonder if that was part of the reason for the pair having become so close. The wolf in Remus somehow sensed that Sirius was from the same line as his mate and was trying to scratch an itch.</p><p>“I know,” the other man groaned, head falling into his hands.</p><p>“Plus, from next week, you’ll be seeing a whole lot more of her when Grimmauld Place is officially set up as headquarters.” Remus lifted his head from his hands, grabbed his glass of alcohol, and downed it. Sirius sighed. “I know that your romantic past has not been… ideal…”</p><p>Remus scoffed as Sirius refilled his glass. “We have Lily, a girl who had a crush on me before falling head-over-heels for my best friend; Shannon, a woman I thought was the love of my life, who got killed by Death Eaters in Hogsmeade when we were eighteen; and you, my on-again-off-again boyfriend-fuckbuddy-flatmate who went to prison for twelve years for killing one of our best friends.” As he was listing his, admittedly, disastrous sexual history, Sirius could not help but flinch.</p><p>“Falsely accused,” Sirius corrected automatically. “Plus, who says that she will be anything like that? She’s your mate, right? Surely that should count for something.”</p><p>“It just means that she will be magically bound for life to an old, poor werewolf.”</p><p>Sirius sighed and refilled his glass.</p>
<hr/><p>Over the next few weeks, Remus’s idiocy was confirmed.</p><p>It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Sirius’s younger cousin, Tonks not Nymphadora, was smitten with his friend. She had confided in Sirius that she had noticed the quietest Marauder around and felt an unexplained draw to him. Sirius, not wanting to reveal Remus’s intimate secret to the woman, simply said that he understood as he had a similar feeling when they were young adults.</p><p>Sirius could not help but feel sorry for the Metamorphagus. Like most things about her, she was anything but subtle. She was more clumsy than usual around Remus, her hair changed an unattractive magenta whenever he entered the room, and whenever he spoke the woman would laugh louder than necessary. This got especially awkward whenever he made serious suggestions in Order meetings.</p><p>With the combination of several frustrating conversations with Remus and being held prisoner in his childhood home, Sirius was ready to walk out the front door. Consequences be damned.</p><p>“Hey, Sirius,” Tonks said as she flopped into the sofa next to him. </p><p>“Hey, Tonks,” he replied. “What’s with the hair? We look related.” Her hair had transformed into dark ringlets and her eyes were the stormy grey that the Blacks were well known for.</p><p>“Oh,” with a shake of her head her hair transformed into her preferred neon pink spikes and her eyes became bluer, “that keeps happening.”</p><p>Sirius sighed, he felt like he was doing that a lot lately, “Remus?”</p><p>The young woman beside him simply nodded and her eyes shifted back to grey, “I don’t understand. I know he feels whatever this is too.” She looked up at him, “What should I do?”</p><p>Just like that, Sirius got an idea. It was genius.</p><p>“Fancy playing the biggest prank in Marauder history?”</p><p>Her eyes lit up, moving back to her preferred shade of blue.</p>
<hr/><p>It was no longer funny what an idiot Remus John Lupin was.</p><p>It had been going on two months since that fateful evening when Sirius and Tonks had come up with the plan that would remove the werewolf’s head from his arse. They had agreed that they needed to play on the inner wolf’s possessiveness of his mate. Sirius had not phrased it quite that way, knowing that his cousin was still unaware of the exact nature of her connection with the werewolf, but she had agreed that maybe a little jealousy would speed things up.</p><p>They were wrong.</p><p>The three of them were the only ones at Grimmauld Place, gathered around the fire in the parlour. Sirius and Tonks sat on the sofa, her long legs draped over his knees. In one hand he nursed a glass of Firewhisky while the fingers of his other traced small patterns on a spot behind her knee. She was retelling tales from her Hogwarts day. As she did so, one hand played with a curl at the nape of his neck the other gesticulated wildly. She nearly hit him in the nose twice, three times fewer than last time.</p><p>In the corner of the room, a glass of Firewhisky in hand, eyes flashing a menacing gold, was Remus. He looked murderous. More than murderous, mutinous. Sirius had had a calendar of full moons in his head at all times since Remus’s furry little problem had been outed to the Marauders. The full moon would be the next night. Sirius was well aware that he was playing with fire, but he got very few pleasures in life lately and pissing Remus off was just too entertaining.</p><p>“... and then Nick, you remember Nick, the one I told you about last time, he ended up screaming bloody murder because he didn’t know how to change it back.”</p><p>“Which one was Nick again, love?” Sirius asked. A growl came from the corner of the room. Sirius had to cough to hide his laugh.</p><p>“Oh, he was the one on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. A couple of years older than me? He took me behind the broom shed for a quick shag to celebrate winning the cup.”</p><p>Both Sirius and Tonks blatantly ignored the snarl coming from Remus’s direction.</p><p>“Oh yes, I remember,” Sirius said, “was he the one that took you to the illegal rave after graduation?”</p><p>“No, that was Chris.”</p><p>At this Remus stomped out of the room, clearly upset at the implication that Tonks had sex with at least two people behind the broom shed. They cast a modified version of <i>Mufflito</i> that made it sound like they were having an ordinary conversation and burst out laughing.</p><p>“That… was… priceless…” Sirius said between guffaws. “Did you... see his… face?”</p><p>“I know,” Tonks said, wheezing. “Better not t-tell him ab-about that one brief f-fling I had in seventh year with L-Laura McClean.”</p><p>Sirius stopped laughing at that, “I suppose you wouldn’t be a Black if you didn’t bat for both teams.” </p><p>Tonks shrugged in agreement.</p><p>“He’s still not taking the bait,” Sirius said thoughtfully.</p><p>“I know,” Tonks sighed, her hair getting its natural length and curl back, “I don’t know what else to do.” Just then a look of mischief crossed her face. She was about to say something when the door clicked and Remus reentered the room, “Follow my lead,” she whispered out of the corner of her mouth. Without warning, the young woman launched herself at Sirius. He toppled back on the sofa, glass of Firewhisky flying, as she planted her lips over his. </p><p>Objectively, she was not a bad kisser. Firm and demanding, soft lips, not too much tongue. Yes, objectively she was quite good. Of course, it was also one of the most unpleasant experiences of his entire existence. The woman on top of him was his little cousin. Someone he loved dearly in a very platonic way. This was the least sexually arousing kiss from a woman that had not birthed him he had ever had. Still, he understood what she was aiming for and shut his eyes tight before winding his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to his body. Her arms were around his neck and her hands had started to wind themselves into his hair. He wanted to vomit.</p><p>Suddenly, he was being hauled off the sofa by the collar of his shirt. He got a flash of gold eyes and greying sandy hair before a fist connected with his jaw.</p><p>“Remus! What the fuck are you doing?” Sirius exclaimed. “This is expensive,” he said pointing at his dark button-down.</p><p>“What the fuck am <i>I</i> doing? What the fuck are <i>you</i> doing?” Remus snarled. His eyes were liquid gold, nostrils flared, teeth bared and he was taking deep breaths to steady himself. “She’s your cousin, for <i>fucks</i> sake!” All of a sudden his friend’s voice changed to something deeper and more gravelly, “You touched my <i>mate</i>.”</p><p>Sirius heard a gasp come from Tonks, who had been looking between them stunned. Remus had only been like this once when they were eighteen; the wolf almost entirely present. “Yes, Moony, I touched <i>your</i> mate.”</p><p>In a blur of pink hair, and denim, and steel-toe-cap Doc Martens, Tonks pushed past him and punched the rabid werewolf in the nose.</p><p>“Shit, Dora,” Remus said, her punch knocking some sense back into the man.</p><p>“Don’t you ‘<i>Shit, Dora</i>’ me, Remus Lupin!” she said, voice even, eyes narrowed. Sirius was not sure when, but at some point between the sofa and punching his fellow Marauder the witch’s hair had changed from its usual pink spikes to wild flaming orange and red. “I am your <i>mate</i>?” </p><p>The chill in her voice reminded Sirius that, yes, this woman was a Black and, yes, angry Black women were a force of nature. He would take a rabid werewolf over an angry Black any day. “Here was little-old-me thinking you were just oblivious. Now I find out you’re a prize,” she jabbed her finger into the centre of his chest, “fucking,” another jab, “<i>idiot</i>!” another jab. </p><p>“And you,” she said, turning on the spot to face Sirius. “You <i>knew</i> and, what? Didn’t deem it necessary to tell me? I am the mate of a werewolf and you thought <i>pretending</i> to date would suddenly make him realise that he had feelings for me.” Sirius was sure that if it were possible, she would have set him alight. “Urgh!” she exclaimed before punching him on the other side of the jaw and storming from the room.</p><p>“Pretending to date?” Remus said through what appeared to be a broken nose. Sirius chanced a glance up at the other man. The look of utter shock mixed with the blood pouring down his face would have made Sirius laugh in any other circumstance. “Did she say you were pretending to date?”</p><p>Sirius cast an <i>Episkey</i> on his jaw so that he was able to speak. “Yeah,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”</p><p>Remus scoffed, causing a spray of blood to go down his front and for him to wince in pain, “Yeah, not your best plan. Merlin, what will she think?”</p><p>Just as Sirius was about to answer, the door flew open once more and Tonks banged the door open. Three priceless vases were shattered. “You want to know what I think about being your mate?” she asked then a Tonks shaped blur was flying toward his speechless friend. Upon impact, both of them toppled to the floor, Tonks used his moment of shock and started kissing him enthusiastically. Just as suddenly as they had started, Tonks broke away, spitting blood. “God you’re such an idiot,” she said before cleaning the blood from his shirt and repairing his broken nose. With a sharp, satisfied nod, she went back to snogging him.</p><p>Sirius decided that was his cue to leave the room.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>